she woke up with a sticky ear
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
