Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
