Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize