I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
