My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize