I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
