Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
