dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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