Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So much rum. So many feels.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
