Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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