he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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