i think my mom watched the whole time
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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