I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
