I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
