Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
