if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to make a zoo with you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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