Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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