so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
