wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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