I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
