We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
