My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
