Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
