I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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