I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize