If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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