Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
