i already hear my dad disowning me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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