like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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