Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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