i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
