:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
