So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize