I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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