I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
