Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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