Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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