you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
