he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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