i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
