remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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