I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
