after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize