I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
