Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
