I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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