I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
