So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
