ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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