About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
