I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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