did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
