The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
