M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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