You can't special order awesome
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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