literally had 100 drinks last night.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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