FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
