why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All the doctor said was why
Randomize