ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
