Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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