Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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