If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
