The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
