Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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